Beach Town Bus Driver

People are always saying to me, "You must hate this job." The truth is, so far, I love it. I can see how it might wear a little thin in a short period of time, but even at its worst it's not that bad. This weekend I had the pleasure of experiencing all of the things that the seasoned drivers have been warning me about.

• Heavy traffic: The route is about 10 miles (16 km) long. At the north end and the south end I have to merge the bus over to the left through two lanes of very heavy traffic. Nobody likes to drive behind a bus so sometimes it's hard to get a break. No problem, I just put my left turn signal on and slowly start edging over. Soon enough a wise automobile driver who does not want to be crushed by a 35,000 pound (16.000 kg) bus decides to let me in.
• Crowded bus: Yes, the bus gets very crowded and very loud. After I cram as many passengers as I can into the bus, we start passing bus stops. I tell the people, "Wave to the nice people at the bus stop because we are not picking them up." They always cheer and wave. The people at the bus stop wave too, but it is usually a one-fingered wave. I tell the passengers, "Hey they must think we are the 'Number One Bus' in town. Isn't that nice?"
• Pukers: I have to admit, this was my worst fear. All of the drivers advised me to keep that air conditioner running as cold as possible. Refrigerated drunks are much less likely to throw up as the bus bounces down the road. I find that it keeps the odor down too. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm getting drunk just from smelling their breath. As it turns out, the puking is not that bad. You see, when drunks puke it's not the really disgusting, putrid, vile, macaroni and cheese, chunky stew kind. It's usually just beer. So, I stop the bus, throw down some absorbant, and away we go.
• Fighters: Some drunks like to fight. The trouble is, they are too drunk to land a really good punch. There have been a few fights on my bus but no one has gotten hurt so far. It's usually just a bunch of trash talking and stumbling around. I just open the doors and let them fall out into the street. I check my rearview mirror to make sure nobody is laying under my tires and it's on to the next stop.
• Flippers: No, not the kind you wear on your feet when you go snorkeling or scuba diving. I'm talking about "bus flippers." Yeah, this one was new to me too. To do a bus flip, you grab the hand rails on the ceiling at the left and right side of the center aisle and throw your legs up over your head, release, and land. Ta-daaa! Bus flip! Driver stops bus. Bus flipper ejected from bus. Very simple. Last night the bus was semi-crowded --- enough room to do bus flips, but too many people for me to see who was doing them. I knew they were flipping back there because I could here the feet hitting the floor and the cheers. I knew it was a girl because they where chanting, "Rhonda! Rhonda! Rhonda!" I stopped and made my way to the back of the bus looking for this girl. I got back there and, much to my surprise, no kids! Just adults! Adults were doing bus flips! Well, I picked out the most likely culprit and said, "There's the door." The crowd said, "Awwwww." She left without argument and her friends said, "I guess we better go with her." I guess they know the procedure --- probably been flipping since they were about 14 years old.

So now, you know the worst of it. If I start moaning and complaining in weeks to come, somebody please remind me to go back and read my June 12 blog. Thanks!

# posted by Fat Billy @ 7:00 PM